Is this the hill I want to die on?
It seems that I have come to a breaking point with my family. Growing up conservative, sheltered, and naive was quite the experience. Now, I would consider myself liberal-leaning, although at this time I do not support either political party. Corporate greed permeates both sides of the flawed two-party system. Evil prevails more often than good. The “lesser” of two evils is still less than I want.
As a millennial who chose not to follow the righteous path that my parents wanted for me, there has always been an understanding that some things just aren’t talked about, and if they are, it will often end in conflict. I recently came out as bisexual to my mom, and asked her not to share this information with my father. Her response was better than I was fearing, but she still essentially said that she loved me, and not my sin. I digress, however… this is about another conflict in our family: Racism and our role or lack thereof.
First, my family history: I am mostly white. I have lived my entire life checking the white/caucasian box on any forms that inquired. It wasn’t until becoming an adult that I found out more about my genealogy on my mom’s side, which led me to question what I had been told, as well as how I feel. My mother is of approximately 67% hispanic origin, which makes me roughly 33%…assuming my father is 0%. While she does have the olive complexion and dark hair, she doesn’t speak Spanish and doesn’t really embrace that part of her heritage, other than some attempts to learn conversational Spanish for mission trips. She married a white man and raised white children- and I was genuinely surprised to find out how hispanic she is. She lives her life as a white woman.
My father’s genealogy traces him back to The Mayflower, arguably some of the most famous of the original colonizers. This used to be a point of pride, until education led me to realize that taking the indigenous peoples’ land-because a king of another country decreed it-is a very invalid claim, and that white men have been claiming what is not theirs since what seems like the beginning of time. No inhabitant of the “new world” gave the people of The Mayflower permission to enter the lands they forcefully occupied. Europeans were not here first.
Segregation was abolished within my fathers’ lifetime, so to him I suppose a lot has changed for the better since his childhood. Modern Racism, to them, is blown out of proportion by the liberal media. Black Lives Matter, White Privilege, and Systemic Racism are phrases that trigger concern and doubt. Americans are doing better, overall. Not everything has to do with racism. These are things I have heard them both say in conversation. Both of my parents are concerned about the looting that often occurs during black lives matter protests. They think peaceful protest is a better choice. They think everyone has difficulties in life. Black-on-black crime needs to be considered too, my father insists.
As their oldest daughter and someone who tries to be actively anti-racist, I feel it’s my responsibility to try to educate and inform them when the things they say can border on racist or prejudicial. I do not believe my parents are actively racist. I believe they are not actively anti-racist.
As a white-presenting woman in America today, I have said racist things. I have performed racist actions. I have implicit bias. I have seen large black men walking down the street and gotten fearful. I have marveled at a friend’s hair and probably touched it. I have asked all of the wrong, well-meaning questions. I have tried to be the “white savior”. Even today as I write this, I wonder if anyone even needs to hear my voice or if I’m trying to steal attention away from the people who actually know what it’s like. My parents say, “Well you haven’t experienced racism either, so how do you know?”
I know because I see it happening in front of my eyes. The founding of this nation was made possible through the wealth accumulation of white people who owned slaves. Many if not most of US Presidents were, at the very least, prejudiced toward BIPOC. President Nixon was a known racist, and part of his motivation for the War on Drugs was to keep black people oppressed. Evidence suggests that even though President Lincoln freed the slaves, he didn’t view black people as equal by any means. So much of American culture, as well as the judicial and legislative branches, is deliberately designed to keep people of color oppressed. I see police brutality and a system that has failed BIPOC. Right now in many states, there are laws that are proposed (and being passed!) that will limit voter rights, mostly to people of color. This systemic and pervasive thinking must be stopped, and the process to change it is never ending, uncomfortable, and wearisome… but we must continue.
I am deeply heartbroken by the men and young boys being shot down for no reason, for the children raised with no fathers because of racist, discriminatory and biased police, courts and judges. I cry for the children who are not receiving the same education that their white contemporaries are. I work in education. I see implicit bias even in people I think are very kind and well meaning. I believe it is our job, as white people working to be anti-racist, to become allies so powerful that racists do not feel comfortable existing.
“No statue has refused a loan to a Black person or manipulated a Black person into a sub-prime mortgage. No statue has shot an unarmed Black person. No statue has manipulated the school districts and state laws to ensure that the poorest Black people have the least access to quality education. No statue is responsible for the over-incarceration of African Americans.”
My conclusion is this: Yes, I will choose this hill to die on. I want my life’s work to be in making the world better for those who suffer more than I do. This may be due to racism, sexism, ableism, or something else. I want to be a strong ally and advocate for those who are oppressed, and I truly believe that this includes strong boundaries even with the parents who raised me and supported me and love me. I pledge to deliberately and continually educate myself on the best ways to do so- by listening to the voices of those who experience it first hand. I am so far from perfect, but I am willing to keep learning. Please join me.
MH
P.S. If you would also like to learn more and continue the work of anti-racism, I have some great podcast and book recommendations! Even better, ask your BIPOC friends and neighbors what resources that they would recommend.
